Grace is All You Need

Elliette & Uncle Dustin

Let's just begin with how cute this picture is! Two peas in a pod aren't they? We had a great holiday weekend with family and truly enjoyed time off together. Jon and Harper stuffed their faces and Elliette and I were happy to see everyone.

We even had time to put up some Christmas decorations around the Binkley household

This week started with a trip to St. Louis to my doctor to determine the next course of action in my never ending saga of medical phenomenon . This trip provided us with new insight and a new direction for, well... life! My doctor feels that I have a combination of visceral hypersensitivity and sphincter of oddi dysfunction. Yep, try saying that three times fast! I will (in my non medical degree terms) try to break it down for you. My GI system is super sensitive to fat along with the sphincter that drains bile into the intestines not functioning properly. There are variations of the visceral hypersensitivity, mine (they feel) has to do with some of the abdominal pain I feel. The outcome? Well this part can get complicated. First, we are trying a new medication to hopefully calm the nerve endings in my GI system so they won't be so painful (allowing me to function like a normal human being, ha!). If this doesn't work, an ERCP (the procedure in which they stint the sphincter of oddi to clear it) will probably be done. The second part to this "diagnosis" is the simple fact my GI system can't handle large amounts of fat (medicated or not).

This was the hard one for me to swallow. The doctor informed me that the 30g of fat per day "diet" really isn't a diet at all, it's a lifestyle change. I was pretty upset and sort of absorbed in this news, as the days have passed it doesn't sting quite as much. I will view this as a blessing in disguise, I will keep a positive attitude, I will not become a burden to others or to myself and most importantly I will get healthy once again. For now, here is my new favorite verse to cling to daily. Until the next time...

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT) says:

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me

Giving Thanks

I know the picture is old, but my camera hasn't made it to the computer in a while.

God always has a way of humbling us doesn't he? When you think life doesn't get any worse OR you're simply on cloud 9 he always finds a way of showing you the opposite. At this time of year everyone is encouraged to stop and reflect on what we're thankful for. I will say in the last few weeks my abdominal pain has returned (let's just take a moment for a collective sigh...). I'm frustrated beyond belief and was extremely discouraged when my doctor in St. Louis put me on a 30g of fat per day diet 3 days before Thanksgiving. REALLY?!?

Then, just as my misery was all but missing a friend, I hop on Facebook to see a dear friend who has been fighting stage 4 cancer has taken a turn for the worse. Nick has been fighting cancer for the last few years and he is giving it everything his 27 year old body can give. This week he was placed in ICU and is not looking so hot. His facebook page has been flooded (literally flooded) with kind, encouraging words to help not only his spirits, but his family's as well. Yes, I felt so humbled by the thought that my 30g of fat rule on Thanksgiving was indeed something to be thankful for.

So with a heavy heart for a dear friend (and his family) I can honestly say that today I am thankful for my two beautiful and healthy girls, my adoring and ever patient husband, my loving and understanding family, and yes my health.

May each of you find yourselves humbled for the true blessings we have in life. I wish each of you a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Wholeheartedly Inspired

This summer a dear friend of mine asked me to attend a Women of Faith Conference with her in the fall. This dear friend has had an extremely difficult year and I believe her words to me were "I think this conference would do my heart some good". Wanting to be supportive, but also knowing I should do more to become a "Woman of Faith" I wholeheartedly agreed.

What I wasn't prepared for was the tremendous experience I had! I was laughing, I was crying and most importantly I discovered just how "empty" my cup had been. If you ever have the opportunity to attend one of these conferences, please do! It's amazing what 24 hours can do for the soul. In case you never do, here is what I received this weekend:
Andy Andrews is my new hero (I did finish his book Traveler's Gift last night and loved every last page) and his decisions for success helped change my perspective. Patsy Clairmont is a pint size ball of laughter and she revealed that our "Stained Glass" hearts are beautiful and not to be hidden. Mandisa's song "Broken Hallelujah" is my new favorite prayer. I had no idea Brenda Warner could be so inspiring, and I appreciated how openly she spoke.

Jill - thank you so much for asking me to go. My heart was more touched this weekend, than it has been in a long time, and I have you to thank for getting me there. I hope you had as much fun as I did.

I am the head and not the tail

I'm from above and not below

I will find favor with God and man

I was created in the image of God to do good things

and love people

-Brenda Warner

Change

I am a champion at change. Sometimes change is a thrill, other times change is daunting. I think Taylor Swift might have said it best in her song. For my pleasure I'll share the lyrics. The second verse is my personal favorite, enjoy!

"Change"

And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again and
You know it’s all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it
But I believe in whatever you do
And I’ll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah

So we’ve been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair
We’re getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we’re faster and never scared
You can walk away, say we don’t need this
But there’s something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees
Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives
But we’ll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

Truths

I find that my creative juices flow as soon as my head hits the pillow. I don't know why, it's like my brain dumps my day and out come all these fabulous ideas that have been shoved in the back. I usually think, "I should write that down", but I never do. Tonight I started thinking about all the things in life I know to be truths. They seemed trivial, but instead of just remembering them I thought I should write them down.

Truth: I haven't taken any sort of narcotic for pain in the past two days. It's been a long struggle with my gallbladder and the medical world. I'm happy to think that it could be over. I haven't been back to sort out all the details for my post-op but I'm ready to put this behind me.

Truth: After two surgical procedures for endometriosis,fertility treatments, two births and now the removal of an organ, I feel Jon should seriously consider a vasectomy. I'm just throwing that out there.

Truth: School systems are just screwy. I think teachers are blamed for a lot of stuff that's not entirely their fault. I agree that in my profession I should have a standard to be held to. I think educating a young mind is a fragile process that should be handled with care. However, I am not their parent, and if the parent isn't parenting, that's not my fault. Don't blame me for degenerate children that don't respect themselves. Let's blame the thousands of worthless people who are doing NOTHING for the betterment of their child. Let's blame those who verbally do not lift up their children every day like they should. Forget material things, LOVE YOUR KID! Then, just then, I might be able to do my JOB of EDUCATING your child. Whew - that one came from way back and had been pent up for too long. Sorry.

Truth: I do not care much about politics. For the sake of being a responsible adult I will read the news, but to be honest I usually skim the headlines, and go straight to the entertainment section. I deal with children arguing everyday, why would I want to read about big children arguing?! To be completely honest (and sorry mom) I don't have room in my brain for their bull sh*t. I have better things to do with my time.

Truth: I secretly want to work in the medical profession. I'm not intelligent enough for it, but I think it would be super entertaining.

Truth: Our air conditioner bit the dust yesterday, thankfully a great friend came to the rescue and got a new one installed today. As I sit in my COOLED house - I could not be more thankful for Willis Haviland Carrier, the inventor of COOL.

Truth: Hearing Harper and Elliette giggle makes me laugh. Harper sat in bed tonight and just giggled and giggled, finally we had to take some deep breaths because the two of us were laughing at nothing, it was the best!

Truth: Watching a show with someone via text message is actually better than watching it with them in person.

Truth: I miss singing in a choir, I should find the time to do that. Heck, I should just find time in general.

Truth: For the first time in 5 years, I'm not excited about going back to work next week.

Truth: I love a good hot pink pen, not red, not black or blue. HOT pink. One that shows up like red, but has that hint of raspberry. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read something written in HOT pink?

Truth: My brain is now empty, and my eyes are slowing starting to fall. Thanks for listening to tonight's brain dump!

Progression

I feel like time is moving so quickly, I just can't keep up! My time at home with the girls is dwindling, and I'll be honest in saying I'm heartbroken. When my maternity leave ended with Harper I was so ready to get back to work. This time, I just keep dreading it! Not that I didn't love staying home with Harper, but I think I know what to expect this time. The small guilt level that comes with being a teacher. You spend 90% of your day and 100% of your patience with someone else's child. It just makes you miss the small things you miss with your own. I don't think I could be a stay at home mom. I need a sense of purpose, but I do miss the quiet small times I've had with my girls this summer. Especially the naps and cuddling we've done.

My "health" has a light at the end of an ever long tunnel. When I last saw my general surgeon, she wanted me to see a gastroenterologist. Just making sure she didn't overlook something, a new set of eyes. The one she wanted me to see couldn't see me until mid August (my last appointment with her was at the end of June). In the mean time, my pain started to get worse. My wonderful family pulled their resources and got me into a doctor in the St. Louis area. I saw her last week. Her conclusion was that the sphincter between the gallbladder and the small bowel, spasms. They don't know what causes it, but there is a surgical stint they can place in there to relax the muscle, and prevent it from causing pain. Patients with this condition present just like they have gall bladder disease. You have no idea the relief I felt knowing that someone out there knew where the pain was coming from, and more importantly - knew how to STOP it.

Jon and I are so thankful this crazy year is kinda calming down. I can't begin to express to you what a great daddy he is. I know why God gave him two little girls. He has the best heart of any man I know. I've been greatly reminded this year of what a great choice I made (ha!). He has been steadfast, patient, caring, and most of all the loving man I fell in love with many years ago. I don't brag on him nearly enough.

This next week(end) we are helping family/friends celebrate Brent and Diane's nuptials! We are so excited! You must be familiar with that bible verse "what Kali hath joined together let no man put asunder" :-) I really had nothing to do with it, but I'll take matchmaking credit! I can't wait to watch Diane officially become family!!

Until then, I'm enjoying every last minute with my three favorite people Jon, Harper and Ellie.

Defeated

It's been a while, I know. I can't seem to find the time to sit down and reflect, but I promise to get better (that kinda sounds like a broken record huh?) Life has been super fast these days. I'm really loving being home with my girls, it's been so much fun to have all this time with Elliette at the start. That being said, I am in no way ready to go back to work. I cringe at the thought that in a few weeks I'll have to leave them both and go to work every morning. How did I do this with Harper? It seems much more difficult this time around.

Medically, I'm the same ole pain filled person. Where to start? Well to sum it up it goes back to January. Thats when I was originally diagnosed with Biliary GallBladder Disease. They gave me a super strict diet to follow because surgery was not an option for me since I was in my third trimester. I followed their diet, but two weeks before Elle arrived I began to have serious pain, that would not go away with pain meds. They asked me to again - wait two weeks for Elle to grow a little more. After she arrived, the pain was still there. So they asked me to do all these tests, CAT scan, HIDA scan, bloodwork, etc. They come back clean. So after waiting a few more weeks, I am then diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and put on a medicine that will take a month to work. After a month an a half (because the doctor took a two week vacation) the medicine still isn't working. So now they are sending me to a new doctor. It's going to take another month and a half to get into this doc. I'm feeling so defeated. Will this pain ever go away? I'm beginning to think it won't. My willpower is not enough anymore, I'm just ready to feel like a normal person again.

On a brighter note - My friend Valerie is getting married this week. I'm super excited!! I'm in need of a night out and I know it will be so much fun. I can't wait to celebrate!

Happy Mother's Day

These last few weeks have been unbearably difficult in my world. Not only did I add more responsibility to myself, but I added it at a time when I was not physically able meet my expectations. Being a mommy is not an easy job - Oprah often says it's the most difficult job on the planet. I would agree with her. My mom does it with unbelievable grace. This post is for her.

Being the baby of the family is often a fun place to be. The automatic attention that comes with this place in the role of siblings can come in handy (you babies of the family know exactly what I'm talking about). I think my mom and I can connect on a special level because we are both babies. It hasn't always been an easy road, I don't think any mother/daughter relationship is easy. Too many hormones to go around :) In honor of Mother's Day I've decided to make a list of the things that are special about my Mom. (You know how much I love lists).

10. She makes the best food (most of the time, ha). There is something about the way your mom makes a dish that you always think it's the best. For example, no one can touch my mom's pork roast and sauerkraut or her texas sheet cake.

9. She can make me feel better instantly. She knows by the look on my face or in my eye exactly what I need to hear. Not even Jon has learned to master this trick. I have no idea how she does it - must be lots of practice.

8. She loves my girls like no one else on the planet. Enough said.

7. She appreciates the small things in life. She doesn't need material things to make her happy or have a good time. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve silly things like long car rides or watching her attempt Jane Fonda's "grapevine" on a workout video.

6. My mother is the queen of rearranging furniture. She does it all the time. When I was a kid you would leave the house with your room looking one way and when you got home - it looked completely different. Now that I think about it, my mom must be the original inspiration for all those shows on HGTV. When I think I can't get a room to look right - just ask mom, she can arrange anything to make it cute and functional!

5. My mom handles change like a champ. I think life has thrown some pretty nasty things at my mother, and every SINGLE time she comes out with a grace I can only hope to imitate someday. That woman is seriously a rock in all circumstances.

4. She is a quiet stubborn person. She will eventually get her way - and you won't even know until it's happened. Criss Angel has nothing on my mother. You might be thinking - how is that a good thing. Ever heard of the quote "Mother knows best"? Well 99% of the time, whether I see it or not, my mother knows best. And if she wasn't so stubborn who knows where I'd be.

3. She is firmly rooted in her faith. She exhibits the kind of love and fervor for her God like no one I know. What a great example I've had in life, even when I didn't always appreciate it.

2. She believes in me, through and through. She believes in my brother and sister too. She would never pitt us against each other or show favoritism to one over the other. She loves us each individually and equally for what we each bring into her life. No matter what we throw at her - she loves us unconditionally. She loves our spouses unconditionally, and our children are the light of her life. There is no other gift in the world that could match that.

1. My mother is my hero. She's not perfect, she's human. She lives her life the best she knows how. She makes mistakes, she recovers from them. She loves her family and her God. There is not a doubt in my mind I would NOT have been able to survive this last month without my mother.

From the bottom of my heart Mom, Thank You for being the beautiful person I know you to be. I only hope to be half the mom you are to me. I love you! Happy Mother's Day!

Royal Madness!

It should come as no surprise I've consumed myself in the royal wedding madness. Elliette and I were up at three a.m. watching the all the coverage. Now, granted the baby woke me up to eat, but I probably would have set an alarm if I had not had one in a crib a few feet from my bed. As I'm watching the wedding (for the third time, pathetic I know) a list of things have popped in my head. Some questions, some statements, but I thought - why not write them down. So for your reading pleasure, here is my internal commentary on the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge:

1. Prince William is nearly bald at 28. Poor guy. I wonder if he'll get hair plugs or something.He looks much more handsome with a hat for sure.

2. I now know that Kate was born in January, which makes her a few months older than William.

3. For the longest time the names I had picked out for my "kids" were Will and Kate. So glad I didn't go with that now. not that I still don't like the names. When we first got married, Jon loved the name Cullen for a boy if we ever had one, and I'm glad we didn't use that either because people would assume we used the names for famous figures instead of why we originally picked them.

4. At the end of the ceremony everyone in the church sings the British national anthem "God Save the Queen", two thoughts on this. a - the queen did not sing at all, I wonder why?
b - will their national anthem change to "God Save the King" when Charles takes the throne?

5. I absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED Kate's wedding dress. Even if her arms didn't have to be covered I think the dress is still perfect, I loved the lace overlay. So classic and beautiful. Her sister - although just as beautiful, in no way stole the spotlight like some people suggest, Kate was gorgeous!

6. I think American women should wear more hats.

7. I loved the trees in Westminster Abbey. What a beautiful way to decorate such an ornate space.

8. I think I would rather hang out with Harry than William. He seems more down to earth.

9. Every time William salutes, Kate bows her head - I wonder why?

10. The two of them were absolutely beaming when they stepped out on the balcony!

Too fun! I'm glad they got married and gave me something to distract myself with. Thank You Wills and Kate!

I would like off this ride now, please!

I will begin by saying that God blessed our lives on April 15th, at 2:14 p.m. with the birth of our second daughter, Elliette Hope. My labor was so much better this time around than it was with Harper. I dilated much more quickly, the epidural worked, and her entry to the world was the most peaceful and heart wrenching moment I've had in my life in the last month. I couldn't be more thankful for that moment, I feel truly blessed.

In the days that have followed Elliette's birth I've been a busy, busy girl. Since I had so many complications prior to the birth with what they think might be gallbladder issues, I've been to the doctor many times. Harper was quite the fussy baby, my pediatrician convinced me that nursing was a better route to go this time around. With nursing comes a whole new range of emotions and trials. Thankfully on Monday, Elliette finally gained weight and we don't have to go back to the doctor every other day to weigh her. :) On Monday I also had a CAT scan done to check out all my abdominal organs. My general surgeon is wondering if my gallbladder is to blame in this on slot of never ending pain, she wanted to rule out several things at once. We go back in one week to learn the results. I've told Jon many times that I don't want there to be anything wrong, but I'm tired of living in a medical fog.

This morning, after a rough night with the baby, my mom came over to help Jon and I get some sleep. I woke up a few hours later with serious chills, I was in so much pain, everything hurt. I thought it was just exhaustion, Elle was literally up every 45 mins, shortly after lunch the chills had not gone away, so I decided to take my temp. Unfortunately, I had a really high fever. Jon called our doctor, who made us drive in to see her. After an unexpected afternoon in our OBGYN's office, the conclusion is that I have a uterine infection. My doctor said that since the uterus has so many blood vessels attached to it, infections spread quickly though the body. It's extremely painful. Thankfully I did NOT have to return to the hospital. I swear that place should give us a permanent room. She prescribed antibiotics, that should hopefully clear up my infection soon.

Although we've not made an official decision, all my doctors have told Jon and I that they highly recommend us not having any more children. My little body just can't handle another pregnancy. I know I am very blessed to have a healthy baby girl, I thank God daily for both of my girls. But this roller coaster ride has gone on long enough. I'm ready for it to stop and let me off. I feel like my body is falling apart and as much as I try I can't do anything to make it heal faster. I hope the fog will soon begin to clear and life will resume again as normally as possible.

Anticipation

Friday is the big day, Elliette is on the schedule to arrive on her Aunt Sierra's birthday. I am very thankful to have the pregnancy come to an end. I feel like her arrival has had a shadow cast against it because of all my pain issues. We are making final preparations and getting our little home ready for her big arrival.

I finally settled on a middle name - I think. :) The last time I was well enough to go to church we had a reading that stood out like a red alarm to me. I felt it was the confirmation I'd been looking for. Jon hasn't ruled it out, and thankfully he's been such a trooper with me on the couch zoned out most of the time. Here it is Romans 5:3-4 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope"

Elliette Hope, your Daddy and I (and your big sister) are excited to meet you. For Mommy, it can't come soon enough!

What's next?

I'm not quite sure what life lesson I'm supposed to be learning with this pregnancy. As I lie here in the hospital for the second night in a row I can't help but wonder "why me"? As I woke up Thursday morning with severe pain, throwing up I knew I was having another gall bladder attack. I took my medication, but an hour later I felt the same. I've spent the last two days in the hospital with pain, they are pretty sure my gall bladder is to blame, but options of treatment are limited.

At this point I'm exhausted, I'm still in pain, and I'm ready for an ordinary day in the life of the Binkley family.

I never thought I'd say this

But, we now own a cat. Yes, you read that correctly. I, Kali Binkley, agreed to get a cat. For those that don't know me, I will admit I hate (yes I used the word hate) cats. I don't like anything about them. Thanks to an evil cat named Truman I somewhat fear cats. You might be asking yourself, then why did you get one? I'll be honest, I'm starting to think the same thing!

It all started a few weeks ago when the weather got warmer. We live in a quiet neighborhood and our house backs up to some woods. Well, with land comes little critters. If there is anything on this earth I hate more than cats, it's mice and snakes. Why do they all have to be part of the same food chain? We started hearing signs that the little critters were finding their way to our house. Jon quickly suggested getting an outdoor cat to help. I was a bit reluctant, but after some time and serious discussion about my involvement with the thing, I agreed.

We took little Harper to our local animal shelter today to see what was out there. We started in the adult cat room. I should clarify by saying that Jon and Harper started in that room. I watched from the hallway. She was like a kid at Disney World! It kinda broke my heart, ha! She had so much fun petting them and chasing them. I tried to get her to go in the puppy room, and she screamed and cried. She is definitely her daddy's girl. Then all three of us moved to the kitten room. I had one hand on the doorknob at all times. Jon found a really quiet and gentle cat. He tried to provoke it or get it to bite or scratch him. She just sat there. We took her to the desk to ask a few questions. We quickly learned her name was Dora. It really was a sign.

Dora now belongs to the Binkley's. She is strictly an outdoor only cat, but I'm pretty pleased with her attitude towards Harper. Jon knows I won't be to involved with it much and I hope she starts trapping little critters soon!

Heartbroken

This week has been full of emotions. A very dear friend of mine suffered the kind of loss no mother should. While I lay here tonight my heart breaks for her. You wish you could come up with words to comfort, but you know that nothing will make her hurt go away. I will instead send this message into the world.

William and Abraham, your mom and dad loved you for every moment of your life. I know how proud they were of both of you. I will tell you there are many, many people today who are proud of them too. I hope they know how much they are loved.

eMINTS, Updates and Nesting!

Last week my 4th grade team was very fortunate to get to attend the eMINTS Winter Conference in Columbia. We were able to attend all three days -which is incredible considering there are 7 sections of 4th grade and we were all gone for three days in a row! Being gone does have it's downfalls though. Sub plans are just so much work!! When you literally have to write down everything (and I mean everything) you do for three days in a row, it takes some time and organization. How did I make it 8 weeks? The thought of doing plans for 4 weeks right now seems daunting and overwhelming! We had a great time and learned so much. I secretly love going to these conferences because as a teacher you rarely get to hear of all the things other people are doing in their classrooms. It's such a treat to get to network! Plus - you get more than 25 minutes to eat lunch! :)

Baby Elliette is still growing! We had an ultrasound on Monday (we get one every 4 weeks now!) and her growth is normal. I'm a little freaked out at the moment because according to the ultrasound she is weighing in at a whooping 4.5 pounds (that's the 85th percentile people)! I fully plan on letting my doctor know that I will NOT push out a 10 pound baby. I know ultrasounds can be pretty inaccurate too, so I'm praying that she's not too big! The gallbladder is still flaring up every now and then when I eat a little too much fat or something tomato based. Most of the time I'm just really nauseous so the not eating doesn't bother me too much. My insulin levels have stayed in the ranges they've told me to keep them in (minus a few random flukes that left me in a tizzy, but all seems to be back to normal). My doctor did agree to induce me at 39 weeks (April 25) if I don't have her before then. Mainly because I think she knows how miserable I am. ha!

I've definitely started nesting. Maybe a better term for it would be FREAKING OUT. I feel like there is still so much to do before the new baby is here and I just can't seem to find the time to do it! I'm still on the hunt for bedding, and we really need to go through Harper's clothes and weed them out. I keep telling myself "someday" but pretty soon I'm going to be in labor and Jon's going to be digging the baby mattress out of the attic!

I hope the next few weeks bring a little less crazy in our lives, hopefully we can get some rest before this train takes us on the newborn ride all over again! What were we thinking?

Uplifted

I've never been very good at hiding my mood. It's no secret to my friends and especially my husband. ha! Sometimes I truly think the ride of life becomes just plain overwhelming. As women, we are asked to juggle so many things and do it all with a smile on our face. We are asked to succeed at our career, look beautiful, raise our children, keep a clean and tidy house, fix and clean up dinner, gosh the list could go on forever right?

Then when something happens in life that becomes difficult we are often looked to for strength and expected to handle the situation with grace. What am I, Superwoman? If you've kept up with my blog you know that recently our pregnancy has taken some dips and turns. The changes that have had to happen so rapidly in my life have made my mood so low! (Maybe it' s the absence of starch, haha). Please understand I am well aware my situation is not nearly as bad as others have had or are having. Which I think in turn makes my mood worse because now, on top of feeling sorry for myself I have a guilty feeling. I've been desperately searching for an inner peace that will carry me for the next 12 weeks. Yesterday, I got just what I had been praying for.

After picking up Harper from our sitter, I was listening to the radio when one of my favorite songs came on the radio. As I sang along I realized the words were a gift right to my heart. As the tears flowed down my face, the peace I'd been asking for came all at once.

"I will Rise" (Chris Tomlin)

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will Rise, when he calls my name

No more sorrow, No more pain

I will Rise on eagle's wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And Rise

I will Rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

I am not SuperWoman, but I can do this. I hope some of the lyrics leave you feeling as uplifted as I felt.

Recovery

What a week it's been at the Binkley household! This week was filled with ups and downs and to be perfectly honest, I'm glad it's over! The story is long, please bare with me!

Between your 24 -28 week of pregnancy your doctor will have you go in and take a glucose tolerance test. This is the general way of checking to make sure your body can properly process sugar. If you fail and your numbers are borderline then you go back and do a three hour glucose challenge test. This is what I had to do with Harper - and the three hour test came back fine. Woo hoo! So last Saturday I went to get my one hour glucose test done. On Tuesday, I got the call from my doctor that said I had again failed the one hour test, but this time my numbers were way to0 high. She diagnosed me with gestational diabetes. Now while this felt really heavy and daunting for a day or so, after talking with my doctor she reassured me that this more than likely genetic disposition (my dad's a diabetic) can be controlled through diet changes and that the risks to my baby are minimum as long as I can manage my blood sugar. I was feeling much more at ease. We set up an appointment next week to meet with a dietician where they will educate me on how to manage it all.

On Wednesday evening, after dinner I began experiencing strange pains in my upper abdomen. I knew they weren't labor pains or stretching pains. To be honest it felt like severe heartburn. So I drank water, laid on my side, and ate some Tums. The pain finally died down around 3:30 a.m. I was scheduled to see my doctor on Thursday afternoon but I went ahead and called her to tell her about these strange pains. She sent me to labor and delivery to be tested for Toxemia (which from my understanding is high blood pressure). While there, the nurse concluded I'd probably just pulled a muscle, it would be fine. My toxemia test came back negative, but my doctor ordered a scan of my gall bladder just to be sure I didn't have gall stones. Unfortunately it was after 5 and the radiology department at my hospital was closed (please note the sarcasm). So I had to go back to the hospital Friday to scan my gall bladder. Again, unfortunately no one informed me that I wasn't supposed to eat before this test. So I fought tooth and nail with the radiology department Friday morning to scan me on Friday so I wouldn't have to wait. They agreed to see me at 4, but after the scan of course told me I wouldn't know anything until Monday because it was Friday after 4 (please note the sarcasm again). So - still in pain (yeah tylenol did nothing) I went home - again.

Jon had scheduled his annual bird hunting trip this weekend. So he went ahead and left and my mom packed up her bags to stay with me. He was very reassuring that if anything changed or went wrong he would come right home, but at this point we all thought it would be Monday before I knew anything - what point was there in him staying and watching me suffer? Friday night the pain became so intense I couldn't deal with it. I'd made up my mind to call the OB department again to hopefully get some help. The nurse was sooo kind. She was able to read my scan from earlier that afternoon (thanks again radiology) and my gall bladder did not contain stones, my pancreas was fine and my liver looked healthy. At this point I didn't care if the yellow brick road showed up outside my door to take me to the land of Oz - I just wanted relief! She paged my doctor who told me to go to the ER. When you live an hour away from the hospital you want your trip to be worth it. So My mom and I loaded up in the car and made the trek to Jeff City. My poor sleepy sister came to my house to watch Harper (you're the best!).

I kid you not - in less than 5 minutes the ER doctor diagnosed me with gull bladder disease. It took two presses on my abdomen and back (and me flying off the table in pain) for him to conclude that although I don't have stones, my gall bladder is still inflamed. They started an IV right away and the drugs were wonderful. It was the best I'd felt in days! Since the inflammation is not affecting my liver enzymes we are going to try and manage my pain through medication and the contractions of my gall bladder through diet until Elliette arrives, then they will remove it.

Between the diabetes and the gall bladder I'm definitely on a strict diet (no sugar, low carb and no fat). But I will do what's necessary for the baby to be born healthy - even if I am overwhelmed at the moment. I'm feeling much better today and hope that this is the end of our pregnancy complications. WHEW!

I told you it was a long story - but the road to recovery is starting to form little yellow bricks, and who knows, maybe it will lead me straight to Oz.

Snow Dayz

One of the beautiful perks of being a school teacher are the snow days. I'm just like a kid every time the weather gets a little dicey. I'm watching the weather forecast, I'm watching facebook for updates, and glued to local TV like it's crack cocaine, it's kinda ridiculous. That little feeling you get when you see your district's name pop up on the screen with "closed" is oh so satisfying. Yep - even as a teacher the news (or facebook) has the most recent updates. The automated system they use to inform teachers and parents works - but is SLOW.

We were dismissed early on Monday (due to nasty road conditions) and out yesterday and today again. We live on a gravel road that has what I would call a "bowl" of a hill at the very beginning. To make matters worse, the highway our gravel road is off of is seriously the last road in the county to get attention. So when it snows or ices, we are literally stuck at home. Even our 4 wheel drive vehicle might prove to be useless on our road. Of course Jon would totally disagree with me, but something about getting my 2 year old out in this weather (and me being pregnant) just seems silly. I say all that to relay that right now, even though I'm thoroughly enjoying being in my fat pants, I've got a bit of cabin fever. I had strict instructions from Jon that I was NOT to rearrange any furniture in the house by myself - there went setting up the nursery plans. I really can't start going through Harper's clothes until I get the furniture arranged because it would just be in the way. My laundry is caught up, my grading is finished, my house is as clean as Harper will allow it to be for being home all day, and I have every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Dora the Explorer now memorized. To keep my spirits up, and my fat butt out of the kitchen I've decided to make a list of the reasons I love snow days. Enjoy!

10. Sleeping in on a cold winter day

9. Making a huge breakfast because you have nothing better to do

8. Eating all day long because you have nothing better to do

7. Spending 30 minutes bundling up yourself and your daughter for 10 minutes of play time in the frigid weather

6. Warm cookies and hot cocoa after it takes you 30 minutes to UN-bundle yourself and your daughter from the 10 minutes of play time in the frigid weather

5. Naps, they remind me of my college days

4. Getting to take apart and put together the same Mickey Mouse puzzle 56 times in a row. That may sound sarcastic, but it's not. It makes me laugh every time when we put the last piece in place and her little face lights up like she just solved a world crisis.

3. Catching up on a good book. In my case I've re-read a couple of books in the last few days

2. Having time to think about what you're going to make for dinner

AND the NUMBER 1 thing I LOVE ABOUT SNOW DAYS??

1. Getting to go to the bathroom when ever you feel like it! Trust me, when you're pregnant and you get exactly two times a day to pee - getting to go whenever you want is like icing on the cake!

Stay Warm!

The Binkley... GIRLS!

I broke down, I decided to find out if our new addition was going to be a bundle of blue or pink. After we dropped off Harper at Mamo's (Jon's mom) and started our haul to Columbia, Jon looked over and said "Ok, you're time for debate is up, what's it going to be?". The overwhelming curiosity got the best of me. Armed with a decision we made it to the specialist office.

The tech was super nice. You could tell she was really experienced. After a round of questions I finally laid down on the table and told her "Yes, I want to know if you can see the sex." I'm pretty sure she could tell I was hesitant because she asked me at least two more times if I really wanted to know! She began the daunting task of measuring all the bones, checking the arteries and all the other good things you get to see. I absolutely LOVE watching the baby for so long! It's such a treat to get to see the baby move on the TV screen as you feel it move in your belly. Most of the time when you get that tight stretching pain or sharp jab you have no idea if it's a foot or an arm (at least I don't). It's super cool to see which parts are actually where inside their little cocoons. After all the measuring was finished she still hadn't given us a clue about boy or girl.

When we had our ultrasound with Harper she laid her parts out first thing so it was the first thing the tech told us. We sat in the room for what seemed like hours and still hadn't heard. She finally told us the baby's legs were closed and it's butt was tucked down into my side. So after our echo with the doctor, she would take one last look before we left, but she wasn't comfortable giving us a definite answer. I told Jon "Maybe the baby is making my decision for me!" She left the room and Jon proceeded to give the baby a "pep talk" to entice it to move so he could know.

Our specialist came in and looked at the heart. Examining all four chambers from all kinds of views and then watching the blood flow to make sure it was all working properly (it was, thankfully). When he finished the tech told him she couldn't get a definite on boy or girl. He told us that he was a "baby chaser" and he would find out. After a few seconds he asked, "This is your second pregnancy, what do you have now?" After telling him we had a little girl he said "Well, looks like you're getting another one!". He then had to point out her lady parts to me. I swear no matter how long I look at an ultrasound I still get confused. ha! The baby moved her little legs apart just enough to show us!

We are so happy about not only adding another girl but that she is healthy and measuring right on track. We are so blessed! Baby Elliette is still scheduled to arrive around May 1.

New Year, New Changes!

I can honestly say I can't believe an entire year has passed! I'm so thankful for the year we've had, and can't wait to see what 2011 will bring.

My Christmas break went by way to quickly (as usual). This year we were really fortunate to have Jon home for our entire break from school! This was the first year since I've started teaching that Jon was able to take off the week between Christmas and New Year's. It was really nice to both be home. Our Christmas was really blessed with lots of gifts and family time. After all the holiday and birthday madness, Jon and I have decided to turn our office into a toy room. It truly is a sign that times are changing in our house. Now our office is full of stuffed animals, a kitchen set, puzzles, books and more! I'm just happy it's all confined to one area (sort of) instead of the entire living room!

I'm pretty sure I want to invent little toys that are magnetic, so all parents have to do when they put their toddler to bed is get out one of those huge magnets and suck the toys back to the toy room! I'm telling you I would be a millionaire! I could cut 25 minutes out of my life from picking up all the dishes, baby dolls, hair ties and teacups. It is quite fun to see her play. She's really into the imaginative play. She does her baby's hair and feeds her Minnie Mouse doll in her high chair (which she refuses to sit in because she's big).

This will be a big week for us as we finally get to have our big ultrasound! We probably won't make a decision on whether to find out boy or girl until we are sitting in the room. I just keep going back and forth on finding out! I know Jon will want to find out, but I'm pretty sure I can convince him to wait if I wanted to. I guess we'll know one way or the other after Tuesday!

I know this next year will bring us as much joy as 2010, I pray you and your family will feel just as blessed!