Silent Kisses

When Harper decides to give kisses she makes this "MMM, MUAH" sound, I guess imitating what we do when we give her kisses. Super cute if you ask me. Well the other morning as Jon was getting ready Harper ended up in bed with me. She is normally a late sleeper (thankfully!) but her dad wasn't being the most quiet person. Needless to say she started stirring at like 7:00 - which in summer is NOT an acceptable time to be awake, haha. In my attempt to keep her asleep I kept my eyes closed. The next thing I know she is whispering her "MMM, MUAH" and giving me kisses. It just might have been the sweetest thing I've ever had happen to me. The best part was that she was whispering so she didn't want to wake me up by giving me loud kisses. I don't know what else a mom could ask for!

Freak of Nature

Our little piece of the pie was riveted by hail yesterday afternoon. What a mess!! Jon and I loaded up our car for our weekly trek to Jeff City to eat with his parents, we made it about 20 minutes down the road and we hear on the radio all kinds of storm warnings. In this part of the country in late summer is not really unusual. We make it to Jeff and about two hours later a good friend of mine (who has family in our neighborhood) called to tell us the bad news. Softball size hail rained down on our neighborhood. Thankfully Valerie and Robbie boarded up our windows and shut off our electric! (our A/C was also badly damaged and extremely hot!)

The damage was pretty extensive. On our house our BRAND NEW SIDING is ruined. Our guest bedroom window was shattered, our gutters, roof, deck, BBQ grill, are all ruined. Not to mention my car was in the driveway so it has extensive hail damage along with both tail lights being busted out and my side mirror is shattered! Our well house siding is destroyed. We were pretty lucky, several other cars in the neighborhood were close to being totaled and had much more extensive damage to their homes and boats. The only positive out of this (other than no one being hurt) was that we hadn't put on a new roof yet. Oh the joys of Missouri weather! Once I get the photos from our camera I will post them.

On the lines of being a freak of nature - apparently I am one! A few weeks ago after seeing our new fertility specialist my blood work came back out of whack. My testosterone levels were extremely elevated. In fact my doctor's words were "you're more of a man than I am" (he was joking of course). In fact my levels were supposed to be around 50 and mine were just under 350. We went back last week to have them rechecked and they weren't quite as high, but still in the 290's. He was shocked that I don't have a full beard (haha!) For those of you who knew me a few years ago I was affectionally referred to as the "Caucasian Asian" because I have more Caucasian blood than Asian. Well kids THANK GOD for the asian blood because he said without it my facial hair growth would be through the roof! I knew I ate rice for a reason! haha!

The conclusion is that I have a rare tumor in my ovary that is secreting all the extra testosterone making conception even more difficult. My surgery is scheduled next week for them to go in and not only get rid of the scar tissue from the endometriosis but also remove the tumor from my ovary. You should have seen my doc, he was like a kid in a candy store! He had his whole staff in my internal ultrasound showing them because according to him this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to see. He even shared that he would be presenting my case to gynecological board of some sort, to which my reply was "Are you at least going to buy me dinner first?" I kid - of course - he has been very supportive and professional throughout our time with him, but doesn't help but feel like you are a freak of nature - Jon says I'm one of a kind. I think he's just sucking up because for the next week or so, I can say I'm more of a man! :-)

SO - all joking matters aside nature has not been our friend in the last month. But don't you worry, we will fix all that's broken and be back to normal in no time. If you could call us normal to begin with :-)

10 Million Strong .... and Growing

So when you don't have kids you hear all the cliches like "it goes by so fast" and "they grow so quickly" and you dismiss them as parents who are just sleep deprived and have no concept of reality. Well I hate to tell all you people out there, but those cliches are true. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived, who knows.

I swear I bought Harper shoes less than 2 weeks ago and they were huge on her, now her little toes are hanging off the top. Really?! I mean I know kids outgrow clothes quickly, but I thought quickly was like a season, not 2 weeks!! I could also swear I was just using every piece of technology available to get my tiny infant to sleep for more than 45 mins at a time, and now, she's putting her little hands on her hips and telling me "NO!". Seriously, where did all the time go? Must be sleep deprivation.

Complications

First comes love then comes marriage, then comes ..... oh wait, sometimes babies don't come. It's no surprise to those who know us that Jon and I had a difficult time conceiving Harper, and two years later, here we are again.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. This is a common condition that from day one of my diagnosis I was told that having children would not be easy. Infertility is what I would call a silent suffering. It's not something everyone feels comfortable sharing. I've dealt with it for so long, I'm ready to share my side of the story. So ... here it is.

I've always had this overwhelming fear that I wouldn't be able to have children. It's like this gut feeling that lays in the pit of your stomach and surfaces when you're finally ready to have kids. Jon and I waited until we started trying - we wanted a marriage before we had a family. The monthly disappointment when those tests only have one line are sometimes the most heart wrenching  feelings. Your hormones are going crazy anyway during that time of the month, and you can't help but feel inadequate. In my profession your heart only aches more when you see the kids walk through your door day after day who are not loved at home like you would love them. When we became pregnant with Harper (without the help of others) it was like a wave of both relief and gratitude. 

Two years later we decided to try again. This time, I've dealt with the constant struggle of how far do I want to go to try for another or just be happy with what I have. My current doctor is the most amazing woman. She made me feel comforted and supported. I've been very happy. She decided to send me to a specialist recently. Today we saw that specialist. Consensus: I'm ridden with Endometriosis. He was very confident that with another laparoscopic procedure we will have a great chances of conceiving again. Another wave of relief (a small wave - but a wave none the less).  I have hope that we can do this again. and if it doesn't happen I'll be perfectly happy with the one I'm blessed with now. 

To those others who are silently suffering like myself, I know that no matter what someone tells you - you hurt, and although you are genuinely happy for new mothers - a part of your heart breaks each time you see a newborn baby.  Please know - you are not alone. Through my journey I've learned that you just take one day at a time, crying is perfectly acceptable and that hurt only lasts as long as you let it. 

Summertime!

Best part of being a teacher other than snow days? Yep - two full months of summer break! Well I guess I shouldn't say "full" months, but it's a great vacation! My summer vacay didn't start so swell. Our students were gone on Tuesday, the 25th, I was out of there on Wednesday at noon. It was a such a great feeling. On Thursday I spent the day with my nephews at the pool. We had a great time. 

Thursday night, I started getting a sore throat and by Friday morning I was Siicckk!  I mean it was so bad that I had to cancel my cut and color, which was already postponed once (my highlights are getting a bit embarrassing).  I called my mother to watch Harper and I slept on the couch and fought fever all day. It was miserable. I ended up at Urgent Care on Saturday morning. The verdict? Strep Throat. I haven't had strep this bad since student teaching and even then I don't think it was this bad. I really couldn't eat again until Monday. I couldn't use my full voice until Monday, and really stopped having pain on Tuesday afternoon. MIS-ER-ABLE! 

Today I spent the day scrubbing my house of the "strep" germs. I actually feel like a human again, and I'm ready to enjoy my time off! Which will be shortly lived b/c I have to work three days next week and then two days the week after. But June 18th I'm officially finished with that place until August (or really more like the end of July). You just can't keep yourself away. ha!

Harper is growing up so fast. I can't believe each time I look at her that she's already so big. Which by the way is her new favorite thing to tell us. She'll scream at Jon from down the hall saying: "Daddy! I'm big!" It just might be the cutest thing you've ever heard. I never hear "Mom" unless she's mad (and usually it's at me b/c Jon caters to her every need, she has him so wrapped around her precious little pinky). 

We have no large plans for the summer. Dare I say the siding is "Almost" finished, I'm hoping sooner rather than later. He really doesn't have much to finish. I'm deeply into the new Laura Bush memoir, which is a much slower read than I anticipated, but still intriguing. I'm looking forward to lazy days and fun weekends with family and friends. 

Let Summertime begin!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is mine and Jon's 6th wedding anniversary! Crazy how time really does fly! Jon and I met in high school. He says he instantly knew he wanted to date me. I was a little more reluctant. Jon would call my best friend Callie at least twice a week asking about me. She finally told me, if you don't go out with this guy - I'm going to go nuts. So for her sake - I agreed. My famous last words to him? "This is just a date, I'm not looking for a relationship."  Here we are 9 years later celebrating our wedding anniversary! 

Just another perfect example of how everything happens for a reason. I could not have found a better partner for life. When he stresses, I'm calm, when I'm freaking out about details, he's easy going. I'm very lucky that he always puts me first. Just this week it was storming during the very INTENSE season finale of Grey's Anatomy and who is setting up rabbit ears when the satellite went out? Yep, Jon did! 

He is also the world's best daddy. Seeing him with Harper just makes me smile. She has him TOTALLY wrapped around her little finger. He gets up in the middle of the night, he changes the nastiest diapers and plays with dolls and tea sets (don't worry they play with softballs and cars too).  

I can't wait for the many more years to come!

Happy Anniversary!

Epiphany

This weekend was yet again full of home improvement projects! The siding is coming right along. The two sides are pretty much complete and the front has been completely ripped off and is half way finished. We were lucky enough to have friends and family come help and play with us. 

This is a picture of Harper and Aiden (You can see the new siding color on the right above Harper's head). This was the first time they'd played together in quite a while. It seems since we became friends with Lauren and Nate we keep moving further away from each other! Lauren and I became friends in college when we both worked for Lenscrafters in Columbia.  We were married within a month of each other and Harper and Aiden are about 8 weeks apart. Lauren and I were both pleasantly surprised that the two played really well together. They were sharing and there was minimal pushing!  This is a picture of the two of them "supervising" their daddy's working on siding.  

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I DVR Oprah. I can't help myself, I love that show. My sadness about her show ending should be a whole other entry. (I've been watching her show everyday after school for half my life!). Anyway, I was catching up on my Oprah over the weekend and I saw her show on the book "Women, Food and God". Now I haven't read the book (yet) but I find the whole concept very intriguing. For those who don't watch her show or missed the episode, in a nut shell the book it sounds as if it's about teaching women to love themselves again. Supposedly it's the new "magic" cure to being fat. If you love yourself, you don't use food as your drug of choice and continue to make yourself fat.

 As I watched the Miss USA pageant tonight with my family this book came to mind. Why do we (as a society) feel that in order to be respected, loved or worth recognition we must be tall, thin and "made up" to no end? God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that includes my belly and neck fat. I will admit I'm a closet yo-yo dieter. I try diets, I try working out, I lose the weight, then a year later I gain it back. But I would say in the last month or so I've done some soul searching. To me being the size I was when I was at 16 is just that. My dad used to call it a girl's "prime". When she was the queen bee or the apple of any man's eye. Recently though, I now not only understand, but I believe that size "6" is just a number on my pants or shirt, the lack of a bikini in my wardrobe. Does that make me sad? A little, but now I've realized it's not sad for my body, I think I just missed the free feeling of being 16. I am not 16 anymore, and I'm no longer sad. My joy comes from within. Not just the feeling but the belief that I am enough. I am beautiful, just the way I am. Too bad I didn't have that epiphany and write a book before this woman did. Maybe I would be sitting in Oprah's interview chair instead of her. ha! 

Ok- enough of my soapbox. Here are the promised pictures of OFL (from my previous post). Nathan is #80.  So cute!!