Complications

First comes love then comes marriage, then comes ..... oh wait, sometimes babies don't come. It's no surprise to those who know us that Jon and I had a difficult time conceiving Harper, and two years later, here we are again.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. This is a common condition that from day one of my diagnosis I was told that having children would not be easy. Infertility is what I would call a silent suffering. It's not something everyone feels comfortable sharing. I've dealt with it for so long, I'm ready to share my side of the story. So ... here it is.

I've always had this overwhelming fear that I wouldn't be able to have children. It's like this gut feeling that lays in the pit of your stomach and surfaces when you're finally ready to have kids. Jon and I waited until we started trying - we wanted a marriage before we had a family. The monthly disappointment when those tests only have one line are sometimes the most heart wrenching  feelings. Your hormones are going crazy anyway during that time of the month, and you can't help but feel inadequate. In my profession your heart only aches more when you see the kids walk through your door day after day who are not loved at home like you would love them. When we became pregnant with Harper (without the help of others) it was like a wave of both relief and gratitude. 

Two years later we decided to try again. This time, I've dealt with the constant struggle of how far do I want to go to try for another or just be happy with what I have. My current doctor is the most amazing woman. She made me feel comforted and supported. I've been very happy. She decided to send me to a specialist recently. Today we saw that specialist. Consensus: I'm ridden with Endometriosis. He was very confident that with another laparoscopic procedure we will have a great chances of conceiving again. Another wave of relief (a small wave - but a wave none the less).  I have hope that we can do this again. and if it doesn't happen I'll be perfectly happy with the one I'm blessed with now. 

To those others who are silently suffering like myself, I know that no matter what someone tells you - you hurt, and although you are genuinely happy for new mothers - a part of your heart breaks each time you see a newborn baby.  Please know - you are not alone. Through my journey I've learned that you just take one day at a time, crying is perfectly acceptable and that hurt only lasts as long as you let it.